(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
— Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via bruisesandfoxes)
and here’s why:
Me: “Any idea where I might get a dog gate for cheap?”My boss: “There’s always 18,000 of them at the thrift store…Go to the one called new life on Easton road in Glenside. In the back room ‘furniture room’ they’re in the back corner. And, if they happen to be out of them the day you go, you can at least get yourself a lovely Hummel figurine for your dresser top.”
Me: “Holy giant gopher” accompanied by a picture of a groundhog that I took.My boss: “It’s a groundhog…I think.”
Me: “I thought groundhogs and gophers were the same thing…oops.”
My boss: Sends a link to wiki.answers that explains the difference between a groundhog and a gopher.
Me: After copying the first of many articles about dog behavior, “So, the copy machine cut off the first line of every page of this article…do you want me to write in the top line, or re-print this article?”
My boss: “Won’t it take you a long time to write it in?”Me: “Yea, but I’ll just be sitting here waiting for the other copies anyway.”
My boss: “Um, I guess…do you want to just do this project on a day where you don’t know what else I want you to do?”
Me: “Adina, today is the day that I don’t know what else you want me to do…”
My boss: Looks me straight in the eye straight faced, “You’re an asshole.” And walks out.
Me: In reference to delivering an envelope, “Signed, sealed, delivered!”My boss: “Yay!” accompanied by a series of little text pictures. “Oh wait, you can’t see those because your phone is from 2001…”