A man in the grocery store line today approached me and said, “Sir, when I first saw you I was extremely attracted to you, but then I noticed that you are a boy. How… I mean, why do you dress so provocatively?”

I responded, “Well, in today’s world the majority of the straight male race view women as objects, or something that belongs to them. I dress provocatively because it attracts the attention of men in a sexual and OBJECTIVE way. However, when realized that I am actually male, they often become confused, disgusted, upset or all of the above. By inflicting this minor emotional damaged upon the ego of a man raised by twisted societal gender norms, maybe, just maybe the individual will think twice before viewing another woman with an objective attitude and sense of belonging. No woman, belongs to ANYONE. Male or female, the equality of human beings needs to be a priority. It is something worth dressing up for.”

I AM NOT KIDDING. The woman behind me, the female cashier, the old lady bagging groceries and the woman in front of me who was talking on the phone STOPPED, …. and proceeded to gasp and clap. The man shook my hand, told me to have a blessed day and then said, “excuse me ladies, I need to visit my daughter.”

…. I was shaking by the time I walked out of the store.

- Elliott Alexzander

(via little-booms)



Gospels from the mouth of DanRad

"fuck that, I’m Harry Potter"

(via burning-rejoice)


This is the best thing I’ve heard all day


This is the best thing I’ve heard all day

(via unfriendlyyblackhottie)


taking selfies with my friends like


(via the-absolute-funniest-posts)






holy shit




Holy shit

(Source: uglyfun, via bittersweetsymphonyrejioce)

"One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad."

— Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via bruisesandfoxes)

(Source: internmarlee, via bruisesandfoxes)

I fucking love my boss

and here’s why:

Me: “Any idea where I might get a dog gate for cheap?”My boss: “There’s always 18,000 of them at the thrift store…Go to the one called new life on Easton road in Glenside. In the back room ‘furniture room’ they’re in the back corner. And, if they happen to be out of them the day you go, you can at least get yourself a lovely Hummel figurine for your dresser top.”


Me: “Holy giant gopher” accompanied by a picture of a groundhog that I took.My boss: “It’s a groundhog…I think.”
Me: “I thought groundhogs and gophers were the same thing…oops.”
My boss: Sends a link to wiki.answers that explains the difference between a groundhog and a gopher.


Me: After copying the first of many articles about dog behavior, “So, the copy machine cut off the first line of every page of this article…do you want me to write in the top line, or re-print this article?”
My boss: “Won’t it take you a long time to write it in?”Me: “Yea, but I’ll just be sitting here waiting for the other copies anyway.”
My boss: “Um, I guess…do you want to just do this project on a day where you don’t know what else I want you to do?”
Me: “Adina, today is the day that I don’t know what else you want me to do…”
My boss: Looks me straight in the eye straight faced, “You’re an asshole.” And walks out.


Me: In reference to delivering an envelope, “Signed, sealed, delivered!”My boss: “Yay!” accompanied by a series of little text pictures. “Oh wait, you can’t see those because your phone is from 2001…”





(Source: coolest-humans, via maybeasomeday)